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Consent, Uncategorized

Dominant vs. Abusive

There are domly guys, and then there are just dicks. Trust me, there are a lot of misogynists out there—men who really don’t like and respect women—masquerading as the Christian Grey type. And there are all kinds way they can mistreat you: physical abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse. I’m a bit of an emotional masochist (working to be less of one), and in the past I’ve fallen for more than one guy who was abusive.

It’s much better and healthier when the dom comes from a place of concern for your well-being. (In fact, there’s even a great book about this, called The Loving Dominant.) And there are plenty of the good kind out there. You’ll know the difference by how you feel when you’re together. Do you feel valued, cared for, and respected? (Yes, this is possible even if he tosses you onto the bed like a suitcase or spanks you until you cry.) Or do you feel insecure, uncertain, and worse about yourself? Listen to your instinct about whether the guy is one of the good ones or one of the abusive ones.

Also, the good ones will make sure they have your consent in everything—will ensure that you have agreed to be tied up or spanked or flogged or whatever of your own free will. The abusive ones will just do these things without asking, and in fact may even continue doing them after you’ve said no.

To learn more about consent, visit the resources section of Consent Matters. And if you find that you continually end up falling for abusive men, I strongly urge you to seek counseling from a mental health professional. You don’t deserve abuse, and you can put a stop to it anytime.



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